I got back to Eugene after briefing Virginia legislators on the IOM report and prevention. After three flights, United Airlines had lost my luggage. As I waited in vain for it, I saw a Dad and his two young sons pull a soft bag off the conveyer that had been ripped open in several places. There was a small stuffed animal hanging out of it.
After a little more waiting I went to the United counter to give them my claim check. (Believe me I know the routine.) The Dad and his two sons were there ahead of me. The youngest son–maybe four–was holding his stuffed owl and crying quietly. It had been damaged–not too badly to my adult eye–but I suspect that to him–his dear friend had been hurt.
His Dad told him in an angry tone to be quiet. I felt so bad. Without thinking I tapped him on the back and said in a soft voice, “It’s fine.” I then went over to the boy and talked to him about his owl and how it got hurt. It seemed to help a little.
I felt bad for the Dad too. The bag was apparently new and he was frustrated.
I guess I said, “It’s fine,” because I always think that the first discomfort of parents in public situations is that their crying child is embarassing to them. And I bet that boy has at times cried at much higher volume. I bet Dad was afraid of that.
I hope I didn’t add to Dad’s frustration and embarassment–both for his sake and for his sons.
So what should we do when we see a parent getting angry and frustrated with their kid? How do we calm and support the parent and help them be more nurturing to their child? Mostly stay out of it I suppose,. But maybe we could come up with some cultural practices that were well recognized signs that we support parents being patient and caring and get it that that can be hard.
Walk down a hall where a young child is oblivous to whose way they get into and parents will inevitably chastise the child. I always say in a friendly way that is just fine. That is one opportunity.
My heart goes out to you Tony- I worked in retail for 17 years and had thousands of opportunities to be the comforter when children’s emotions embarrassed their parents. In most cases, it was the child I responded to- and sometimes if the child was hurt, I would give them a sympathetic look- or say are you ok?- I think if I was a child I would have appreciated that coming from ANY adult. It also seems to comfort the parent, because like you said, they are not sure how the public will feel about their child’s crying. My rule of thumb- comfort the child first. I would be curious to see if others agree with me. A more frustrating example to me was last week when I was in the grocery store and a father SCREAMED at his child who was walking in front of the shopping cart- yelling: “get out of the way!”- how does one respond to that- the damage to that child was irreversible- don’t you think?
As the parent of a 14 month old I would agree whole heartedly that yes whenever my little girl is acting up I immediately have feelings of being an inadequate parent and what are people thinking about “how badly” my child is behaving. I think the worst thing people can do is to say nothing, because saying nothing says so much, even if you are thinking, “wow, she’s doing a great job, parenting is tough.” For me I think the most helpful thing is to not avoid me like I’m the plague.
I actually had a mom tell me that her son was sick on the plane and he ended up throwing up and was crying a lot, which would be my worst nightmare, not one single person on the plane offered her assistance or help, or a kind word, instead she received a lot of dirty looks and heard a lot of “it stinks” complaints. Talk about raising your stress level. Your son isn’t feeling good and on top of it everyone is glaring at you.
So, to answer the question how could we calm and support a parent and help them, I think the best thing we can do is offer a kind word of encouragement or a smile and a hand on the back. A simple “you’re doing a good job” always makes me feel good. Or, “He’s/She’s a cutie, they’re a lot of fun when they’re sleeping!” Say Something Kind…Jen
The worst is thinking that adding a little levity and warmth to the situation will result in further and future post-facto punishment
I have encountered these situations mostly in grocery store lines for some reason: for the past 25 years or so, if I ever saw a parent that looked very stressed out with her child’s behavior, I would take the time to tell her in some way how beautiful her child was, maybe pointing out a particular feature like smile or hair or eyes. My motivation was to prevent abuse (mental or physical). Somehow I had the feeling that I could stop an emotional roller coaster and allow the mother the chance to see her child again for his or her sweetness and why her child is so special. Of course, I don’t know what happened after they left the store, but I would always get a smile and a thank you from the mother. It often seemed as if I had defused a negative situation. I hope so.
Kindness is always appropriate for the child and adult. We need to liberate the sentiment of many to speak to the small children and the Dad in the way Tony did. It is the way I practice mindfulness of supporting parents and kids every day.