But developmentalists still tend to think more in terms of some sort of natural emergence of a behavior than in terms of the way that the environment shapes behavior. I think that makes it harder to see the practical steps we can take help children learn self-regulation. So here is a description of the shaping of self-regulation behaviors through reinforcement.

Georgia Layton, is the Director of the Early Education Preschool, which provides classrooms for children with developmental disabilities as well as typically developing children. (She is also my wife!)

I recently asked her to explain to me how she helps children develop the behaviors that developmental psychologists like Mary Rothbart have come to call effortful control, and more generally, self-regulation. The patience, subtlety, and precision of the process makes me fearful that I cannot describe it clearly. But here goes.

She has been working with a young child who would tantrum when adults asked him to do anything. He has a very short attention span, never staying with any activity for more than a moment. Whenever an adult would ask him to do something, he would fall to the floor and complain loudly. Her whole strategy has been to prompt and reinforce his cooperation. But you have to watch carefully to see how she reinforces tiny instances of cooperation.

For example, one day she followed him throughout the classroom, doing whatever he wanted to do—following his lead. But wherever they went she would prompt little bits of cooperation. If he wanted something she would ask for little bit of cooperation before he got it and then reinforce his cooperation by giving him what he wanted (but always being careful not to ask for so much that he would stop cooperating). For example, if he wanted the water turned on, she would ask him if he wanted to do it or wanted her to do it. He might say, “Me do it.” If so, she might say, “Oh, okay. Say ‘Me do it please.’” She then would lift him up so he could turn the water on. In an effort to increase his time spent on activities, she would play with him, prompting little bits of waiting (e.g., for her to hand him a puzzle piece) and praising him when he did.

She also worked on his developing a bit of planfulness. For example, if he was done with his drink and looked at the Playdough, she might say, “You are ready to do some playdough.” If he said yes, her helping him to move to that activity reinforces that tiny bit of planfulness involved in saying yes to his next activity.
As they walked to the Playdough table, she might then say “Remember to walk.” And if he did, she would praise him.

If she had not thought to remind him to walk and he started running, rather than correct him, she would use it as an occasion for emotion coaching. She might catch up to him, and say “Oh you are really excited! Our rule is walking feet.” As he started to walk, she would praise.

Once they got to the Playdough table, she might ask a questions as the activity unfolds: “Do you want sit here or there?” “Do you want red Playdough or blue?” “Do you want to play with Jimmy or Mary?”

Every time he answers one of these questions he is, in a tiny way, cooperating. And he is learning to think about what he is going to do. Thinking before doing is a key aspect of effortful control.

In the process, she is teaching him to be more mindful. He is learning about his feelings, about what he is looking at, what he is experiencing—as well as oh so many concepts, like red, blue, and up.

Over the course of three days, he made great progress. When she came in on the second day, he was walking rather than running. Other teachers were getting him to cooperate more in all kinds of activities. He was able to play with other children for growing lengths of time. On the third day he was a bit more likely to refuse to cooperate, but it was clear he was on his way to developing the skills he need to learn and cooperate.

An untrained observer who watched this process might find it hard to see the subtle ways that Georgia was prompting and reinforcing little bits of cooperation, patience, and sustained attention or how she was reinforcing behavior other than getting upset. What emerges over time is “effortful control.”

My wife, Georgia, directs a preschool. She is a highly skilled teacher, trained in direct instruction, with years of experience in teaching concepts. However, only recently have she and I gotten into teaching about feelings. Her preschool adopted the PATHS Preschool Program which was developed by Celene Domitrovich and Mark Greenberg and have been introducing emotion coaching techniques that John Gottman has written about. They are teaching children about their emotions and ways to deal with their own and others’ emotions.

When children become upset, it’s an opportunity to help them learn about their emotions. Rather than trying to quell the emotion, teachers label it in a warm and empathetic way that matches the emotion of the child: “Oh, you are feeling angry because he took your truck!” Often this sympathetic approach helps calm the child. At the same time that it teaches them about what they are feeling. Rather than learning that it is bad to feel bad, they learn that it is normal to feel bad. Then teachers help children figure out what they are going to do next. In the process they learn that noticing their feelings can be information that guides them to take effective action.

Children are learning the rudiments of values in this process. Strong emotion usually occurs when a person wants something or wants to escape from something. For example, a child might cry because someone took a toy away from. Teachers help children say what they want. It may seem like a long way from “I want that toy,” to “I want my life to be about caring for other people.” But by helping children notice their feelings and the needs and desires they result from, we are building their skill at saying what they want in life. Over time, kids can learn higher order needs, such as wanting others to share or to not hit. In nurturing environments, what can emerge are values like caring.

Research by Mary Rothbart and her colleagues at the University of Oregon shows that children’s ability to engage in “effortful control” where they don’t do the thing they are most inclined to do—like yell or hit—is the basic building block for more and more complex forms of self-regulation. If you have a 12 year old who does her homework before watching TV, you have a child who is developing self-regulation. Before she learned to put off TV until her homework was done, she probably had thousands of experiences where she was guided and reinforced by you for resisting her first impulse and doing something helpful or useful.

There are a couple of things that worry me, about the concept of effortful control, though. First, I don’t think it is as useful to think in terms of controlling emotions as it is to think in terms of accepting them and acting effectively. The work on psychological flexibility [] shows that trying to suppress emotion does not work. Accepting and moving through ones emotions seems like a better move. And by “moving through” them, I mean letting the emotion happen and letting it dissipate—as emotions do when we aren’t trying to control them—and doing what seems most effective in the situation.

Second, I think the notion of effortful control—as well as the concept of self-regulation—obscure the role of consequences in behavior. Nancy Eisenberg [] wrote a very nice summary of effortful control. It describes how infants don’t show it, but around 36 months children do. What isn’t mentioned however, is how children’s behavior is reinforced in thousands of interactions with parents, siblings, peers, and other adults.

I mentioned this to Georgia the other day and she talked about the importance of reinforcement in teaching self-regulation. I asked her to describe how she teachers self-regulation. For a detailed description that helps you to see how key reinforcement is to the process, you can go to my post, Georgia Teaches Self-Regulation.

So a key ingredient in nurturing environments is patient, skilled teaching that helps people get better and better at having their emotions, getting clear about their needs, and finding effective and cooperative ways to meet those needs.

I want to thank Georgia Layton for helping me get clearer about teaching self-regulation.